Seems a threat has been made against Queen F&M. She called me today and firmly stated that I “must update the blog and be funny” in order to thwart the attack of the enemy. That’s right. David has threatened to update the blog unless I do it and we all know what happened last time he did that….. Fat, mean, deaths door, etc. I repeatedly told Kelly she was more than capable of doing her own blog plus she is much funnier than me and these are her friends anyway.
Her response, as usual, was, “You know what I’m hearing? Blah, blah, blah blah, blah!”
So fine. Here I am, updating the Queen’s blog. Some of you will be delighted to once again enjoy my sardonic wit and wisdom while I am sure others will respond with wailing and gnashing of teeth. Either way, lay the blame on the Queen.
Before I give Kelly’s latest medical update, I must get something off my chest. On my last day with Kel last week, she asked me to place her scarf on her head in order to cover her scar. As I was attempting for the sixth or seventh time to accomplish this task, she looked at me in the mirror and calmly stated the following:
“I think you need to go back to milking cows.”
Having gone through six weeks of her steroidal abuse and knowing my escape was near, I let the comment slide. Now that she has insisted on using my writing skills once again, I feel it only fair that I address her parting shot.
Dear Kelly~
If anyone ever doubted you had a brain tumor, they would surely no longer wonder at the validity of that claim based upon your request for ME to do any type of beautification procedure. It has always been a well known fact that I can saddle a horse, birth a baby, grow a garden, cook for an army and milk a cow. But what on God’s green earth would give any sane person the idea that I know anything about manicures, mascara or tying scarves? Have you seen me?? For future reference, I am the short, round sister that usually has dirt under her nails and smells like the barn. The old gal is the one that you want to ask for if looking good is your goal. Ask for me if you need your horse saddled, your butt wiped, or your in labor.
Love ~
Mar
One last thing. Kelly keeps saying she does not know how to repay me for staying with her. She has a bad habit of thinking this way, that she has to repay a kindness. Last year she sent me so many boxes that the neighbors thought I was “seeing” the UPS guy. I have given this great thought and have finally figured out what it is I want and deserve for putting up with…..I mean for helping Kel this last go around.
I want you to get up out of that bed everyday, shower and get dressed, realizing how loved and blessed you are by God and so many others. I want you to go to therapy even when you don’t want to and work until you think you are ready to pass out then go a little further. I want you to get everything there is in this life that God has planned for you. I want you to focus on what’s good and right in your life, even on the days when it’s nothing more than the cat loves you. I want you to be happy and healthy and live. Really live! Shut the TV off. Go outside. Plant flowers. Milk a cow! Ask God to show you something new and exciting everyday. He is not done with you. This is just the beginning, so begin again!
I love you ~
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Thursday, March 5, 2009
I May Be Fat, But You're Ugly And I Can Lose Weight
Today was the first day out of the hospital, so we decided to sleep in. As fate would have it, Kelly had to use the bathroom at 6am and then Dr. Weinberg’s office called around 7:30am asking if she could come in. Obviously, this day had more to offer than rest and relaxation.
After a quick breakfast and showers, Kel and I headed off to Dr. McDreamy’s for her appointment. The report was good and they are weaning her off the steroids. This is a very good thing ……. for all of us. Steroids are a bad thing! As David so poetically put it way back in the beginning, they make you fat and mean. Let me give you an example:
Last night Kelly said, “You need to give me my shot and then help me to the bathroom.” Sounded simple enough. I had done it many times in the recent past. It seemed like a safe enough request. So, I got her shot and asked if she was ready to which she said yes. So I gave her the shot, again, like I have many times. Her response is usually benign such as, “Thanks.” Not last night!
“You hurt me! Why are you so mean to me?”
I tried to hide my deer in the headlights look and responded as calmly as possible, “What did I do? I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
Then the waterworks started and I was informed how much nicer the nurses were and how mean I was and something about wishing she had a BB Gun right then. I slowly backed away having dealt with wounded, crazed animals before. You never turn your back on em.
Thinking today was a new day with a new start, I tried to forget about last night and hope for the best. As I said earlier, the morning seemed to go just fine with a good report and later a nice lunch together. Once back in our room, we took a little nap and then when it was time to get up, those darn steroids kicked in again. Kelly’s back was hurting so I suggested she move into a different position to which she suggested I move closer so she could kick my lower extremity. The final straw was the following comment.
“I am going off my steroids and I am going to lose this weight and you're still going to be a chunky monkey. Then I am going to kick your a** and then you’ll be sorry.”
That’s the last time I ask for one of her cookies.
After a quick breakfast and showers, Kel and I headed off to Dr. McDreamy’s for her appointment. The report was good and they are weaning her off the steroids. This is a very good thing ……. for all of us. Steroids are a bad thing! As David so poetically put it way back in the beginning, they make you fat and mean. Let me give you an example:
Last night Kelly said, “You need to give me my shot and then help me to the bathroom.” Sounded simple enough. I had done it many times in the recent past. It seemed like a safe enough request. So, I got her shot and asked if she was ready to which she said yes. So I gave her the shot, again, like I have many times. Her response is usually benign such as, “Thanks.” Not last night!
“You hurt me! Why are you so mean to me?”
I tried to hide my deer in the headlights look and responded as calmly as possible, “What did I do? I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
Then the waterworks started and I was informed how much nicer the nurses were and how mean I was and something about wishing she had a BB Gun right then. I slowly backed away having dealt with wounded, crazed animals before. You never turn your back on em.
Thinking today was a new day with a new start, I tried to forget about last night and hope for the best. As I said earlier, the morning seemed to go just fine with a good report and later a nice lunch together. Once back in our room, we took a little nap and then when it was time to get up, those darn steroids kicked in again. Kelly’s back was hurting so I suggested she move into a different position to which she suggested I move closer so she could kick my lower extremity. The final straw was the following comment.
“I am going off my steroids and I am going to lose this weight and you're still going to be a chunky monkey. Then I am going to kick your a** and then you’ll be sorry.”
That’s the last time I ask for one of her cookies.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
We Are So Outta Here!
Kelly has had two solid days of MRIs, Cat Scans, Blood Tests plus who knows what else. Tomorrow morning she will have OT at 8am followed by another MRI and then she will be officially released. Upside, she is out of the hospital. Downside, she is trapped in a hotel room for the next two days with me. Wahahahahaha!!
They removed her stitches this afternoon, so her look has deteriorated back to normal. This leaves me with very little material to bag on her appearance. All in all, it has been a great six weeks with my sister. She once again has come out smelling like a rose even though the odds were on her becoming a permanent stinkweed.
David arrives on Friday and he and Kelly fly home on Saturday. Bob picks me up on Friday night so we can head back to Oklahoma. I sure do miss my kids, grandkids, critters and even the Old Spaniard, as Sarah calls him.
Thanks for allowing me to keep you all updated …… not that you had much choice. Watch for my tell all book coming out later this year titled:
Kelly, Dearest: The Truth Behind The Legend
They removed her stitches this afternoon, so her look has deteriorated back to normal. This leaves me with very little material to bag on her appearance. All in all, it has been a great six weeks with my sister. She once again has come out smelling like a rose even though the odds were on her becoming a permanent stinkweed.
David arrives on Friday and he and Kelly fly home on Saturday. Bob picks me up on Friday night so we can head back to Oklahoma. I sure do miss my kids, grandkids, critters and even the Old Spaniard, as Sarah calls him.
Thanks for allowing me to keep you all updated …… not that you had much choice. Watch for my tell all book coming out later this year titled:
Kelly, Dearest: The Truth Behind The Legend
Monday, March 2, 2009
Every Party Needs A Pooper That’s Why We Invited Kelly
Seems MD Anderson is obsessed with, how do I say this gracefully, well, with poop. One of the doctors actually did his thesis on IT. He’s proud of this! IT is such a big deal here that they check daily, several times a day really, to make sure you did IT. This, needless to say but I shall say it anyway, has led to some alarming circumstances for Kelly.
Kelly is not a daily IT doer which has MDA ready to flush out the details of why she is not a daily doer of IT . This has actually become a battleground between the MDA North and Kelly’s South. I, being a very regular daily doer of IT , have even offered my services to Kelly, for a small fee. She thought about it but declined stating she is not a quitter even of IT .
Things got so bad for a few days that MDA stooped so low as to slipping her IT mickeys with disastrous results. After three days with no forward movement, they brought in the big guns, Milk of Magnesia. The results were explosive leaving Kelly battered, bruised and ticked off. The North had delivered the final blow to Kel’s South and IT wasn’t pretty. I know because I was the war correspondent on duty that day.
A meeting on neutral territory was called with the following outcome. No more weapons of mass destruction will be launched on Ms. Pittner’s South and she will be allowed to go back to her normal IT schedule. I am just happy this war has ended because as we all know, war stinks.
Kelly is not a daily IT doer which has MDA ready to flush out the details of why she is not a daily doer of IT . This has actually become a battleground between the MDA North and Kelly’s South. I, being a very regular daily doer of IT , have even offered my services to Kelly, for a small fee. She thought about it but declined stating she is not a quitter even of IT .
Things got so bad for a few days that MDA stooped so low as to slipping her IT mickeys with disastrous results. After three days with no forward movement, they brought in the big guns, Milk of Magnesia. The results were explosive leaving Kelly battered, bruised and ticked off. The North had delivered the final blow to Kel’s South and IT wasn’t pretty. I know because I was the war correspondent on duty that day.
A meeting on neutral territory was called with the following outcome. No more weapons of mass destruction will be launched on Ms. Pittner’s South and she will be allowed to go back to her normal IT schedule. I am just happy this war has ended because as we all know, war stinks.
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