Ya gotta love Mark Twain! This is Marla, updating the fat & mean girl's blog per her request. I must add at this point, if my husband ever posted those endearing words on the internet for the entire world to read, the rumors of his death would not be greatly exaggerated. Nevermind that they might be true words. That is beside the point.
Now onto the reason for my nomination as the blog updater. It seems my sister, you know, the fat & mean one, in a moment of brain cell loss, sent out an email leading many to believe her imminent demise was at hand. This email was then followed by the last blog update by Mr. Fat & Mean which ran along the same thought track as the aforementioned email. Most people on the receiving end of these two fine literary masterpieces immediately went into hysteria, writing and/or calling Mr. & Mrs. Fat & Mean to express their heartfelt melancholy. I am ashamed to say when I opened the email my first thought was, "Kelly! Have you lost your freaking mind!?!?" Then I remembered, "Oh yeah, she has." Which brings me to one of her favorite cards she ever received. It has a silly, smiling Jack O Lantern on the front with the question, "Ever wonder why Jack O Lantern's smile like that?". The answer inside: "You'd smile like that too if half your brains had been scooped out." Ok, so I thought it was funny when I bought it and she seemed to like it so here's my point.
We are all going to die. Only God knows when.....unless your a Kevorkian follower that is. Kelly is going to die someday. So am I. So are you. She aint dead yet! My little sister has had a miserable two years that she has handled with amazing grace at times and like a pitbull on speed at others. The best I can do is refuse to be miserable for her or with her. She much prefers me when I am making my morbidly tasteless comments regarding her situation and life in general. I believe I have only had two meltdowns in the last two years in front of her. She did not dig that at all and reminded me I was not allowed to cry. Everyone else was but not me. I must remain humorous at all times per the Queen's request.
So, I was summoned by Queen Fat & Mean today and ordered to update her blog, "and be funny, change the tone, let people know I'm ok." So there you have it. I hope I was funny. I will NEVER change my tone so I hope I have changed yours. Oh yeah, and Kelly is ok.
Now go find the rudest card you can legally buy without losing your salvation, write a snide remark or two in it, and mail the little bugger to Queen Fat & Mean. You'll thank me later.
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12 comments:
How can I resist sending a reply to that. OK, I can't so here it is... while the Queen and her beauty court Char sleep we(cousins Kelly and Cher) are driving down interstate 10 to Houston. Yes it is late but we wanted to get through the cities at night so Kelly would not fall out of bed in stop and go traffic. Our RV Excursion has worked out quite well, except for the "WIMPS" name calling Kelly did as Char and I jumped from the bed and ran to the bathroom window for air while feeling car sick. We now have "W" embossed on our foreheads cause Kelly won't let us live it down. By the way she was watching the road sideways,reading, enjoying being the Queen of Sheba. It must be nice to have good drugs.
con't...As some of you know Marla was supposed to be with us but with Oklahoma's ice storms her plane was grounded. See what you missed out on Marla and yes I am being Nurse Rachet. Kelly is in good spirits and is graciously sharing her bed with us during the day for movie watching, gossiping and reading. It is like a pajama party only stinkier. Kelly says tommorrow we have to work so the whip will be cracking. We have about 600 miles left to travel so we are making good progress. Our goal is to arrive late Sat. night or early Sunday morning so we can spend a fun day with Marla and Bob before Kelly's week of tests start. Well we just pulled in to camp for the night so send all those positive thoughts and prayers for the surgeon's steady hand and a speedy recovery. Cher
I read the blog, thought to myself *ugh* did she read that? Is David still alive? Because Kevin would definitely go missing. Mean, ok. I can live with that. But the fat part, ish.
It was the email that threw me. I was in tears. My mind was running through every experience that she and I shared, how she was always such a great friend, wondering if I had been a good enough friend to her... and I had her in the ground. Then I realized I was pissed too. She's not dead yet and I thought (to myself and outloud to my husband)I can't believe that she sent that email! I feel sad and I'm crying. And I'm looking at my own life and going through my flaws and inadequacies. And then I thought (only to myself this time, not out loud), whoa Nicole, it's not really about you. Then I thought some more and realized, yes it is. :) So I allowed myself to be annoyed.
Then the most wonderful thing happened. It was Friday, I was having my usual Friday afternoon with my fellow ladies of leisure - think thirty-something (yes I can still stay thirty-something for a few more years!) mom's with too much time on their hands and a few bottles of champagne by the pool - just to give you the visual. I'm very visual. I was talking to my friend Christy, who's a doctor, about Kelly. I was probing her doctor brain for info. Which she loves to share, because it's always about her. She is a doctor you know. And by default that means she is extremely bright, everyone else is an idiot and she loves to hear herself talk. (Thank God she doesn't read this blog. But I really do love her.) I digress...sorry. So as we were chatting my phone rang. It was the fat and mean one herself! It was the best Friday!
I got to tell her that I thought it sounded like a Sayonara email. I didn't go in to the depths of how bad I felt or my tears. I just left it at that. She already knew it of course, which gave me hope that at least part of her brain is still functioning at a reasonable level. I offered to be her email editor going forward. I hope she takes me up on it. Enough about me. :)
She sounded great! Very upbeat and hopeful and just like Kelly. I know what an effort it is for her to email, write or talk on the phone. So talking to her while she was in bed, driving half way across the country, to an awaiting surgery that she's unsure of the outcome of, was just awesome! She told me she gets tired of hearing what a hero she is, so I won't say she's my hero, but I will say something. Speaking with her gave me reason to pause and reflect. Something that I think that most of us don't do often enough. And it wasn't because of how sick she is, it's because of who she is. She's always given me reason to pause and reflect. She always will.
I wished I was riding in the motor home with her...reading trashy novels, playing fun road games, napping, sipping cocktails (well I could anyway...) and making fun of other people and laughing (we always did that well together!)
She told me Marla was going to update the blog - something that I knew from past reading experiences would definitely be a belly laugher - and she asked me to join in the bandwagon of making it fun. Well Kelly...I tried. I hope you smiled today because of me. There I go again... Hee hee! (This was long...probably too long, but I know you've got a lot of free time in that motorhome.)
Hey Nicole ~ The more I read your musings, the more I realized why you and KJ have remained such good friends through the years. You both have all the same faults, I mean, characteristics. Admirable characteristics I might add!
As for the motorhome road trip and the talking about others, why do you think I was devastated when my flight was cancelled? This meant that not only would I miss the road trip but now I was fodder for conversation. I shudder to think of the fun they are having at the sake of my good name.
The part about Kelly hating being called a hero, yep I have heard the same complaint from her before. If anyone is a hero it would be me! Who does my dad live with? ME!! Like I told Kelly one day when she was feeling down, "Big deal, you have cancer. I have DAD!" I might add she completely agreed I got the raw end of that deal.
Well, I am ready to jump in the car and head to Houston. I can't wait to see everyone and stop the madness that I am sure went on during their cross-country trek. I'm taking my laptop so I can send updates as the Queen demands.
Say a prayer, stay positive and avoid opening ANY emails sent from ANY Sewart! Marla
Well it is day three and we are 139 miles away from Houston. Don't you love GPS"s, it is kinda like when we got digital watches when you ask someone the time the say
11:59 instead of noon. We just got back on the road after a dinner and potty break and are going to arrive around 2am. Marla and Bob are driving straight through as well so we can have a fun day tommorrow.(after we sleep in of course) They are pulling their trailer so yes we will be trailer trash together. Yahoo
Kelly cracked the whip today and we did homework. Read all the MD Anderson paperwork and got together a list of questions. Kelly thinks Char and I need the brain surgery cause we had all the systems...loss of focus, not hearing, (listening) and forgetfulness...Remember Kelly, we ARE older...respect your elders.
As for Marla, I promise I did defend you honor but it was two against one. NOT. Your sisters love you despite your shortcomings.
(like we don't have any)
Kelly is doing suprisingly well we have been the Nazi Nurses getting her up and making her walk to the table to eat with us.(She loves it, don't let her kid you)
Her right foot which we now have named LULU needs to warm up but is
moving better everyday.
The farting dogs didn't hang out with us in bed today so our pajama party wasn't so stinky(could be because I got a shower this morning) ha ha
Kelly is in a great frame of mind and feeling very positive about this trip...as cousin Maureen said, of course she is, she is getting waited on. Well that is what the QUEEN does order people around.
Kelly and Little Dawg are planning Little Dawg's escape plan as Kelly wants her to run away from home and live in Salinas. Little Dawg loves to hang out under the covers and Kelly promises to spoil her more than we do. You better watch out Kelly remember who is giving you your shots....Nurse Rachet...OD...oops
So that is the update send all those positive vibes for great success on this difficult journey.
Love you Kelly Girl Cher
Marla:
For starters, give Dave a break - he's a guy. You know us guys - we're the ones you women constantly ask "Does this make me look fat?", and you're not even pointing to a specific item of clothing. SO THERE!
Keep me posted on Kelly's progress, and please let me know what tasteless and inappropriate items I can send her in my next gift basket.
And oh, please tell her I'm not homeless any more! I found a place to share in Long Beach and I'm back on my feet. So that's one less thing for her to worry about. Send me an email at JLHoranIII@hotmail.com and make it nasty, okay?
Oh, and of course, give her my love and best-est wishes.
We arrived at 2am.on Sunday morning. Marla and Bob arrived 30 minutes later so we were all safe and accounted for.
We slept in on Sunday and had a big brunch. Comparible to the Marriot Buffet, but what more can you expect when Marla and I are together. We love to cook for our family. Kelly got up to the table for breakfast and after breakfast we moved her to the couch so she could be a part of the Sunday celebration.
The guys, my Kelly and Bob went to check into the hotel for Kelly and the girls stayed back and had a HEN FEST. The guys came back and BBQ'd , yes, a Santa Maria Style BBQ right there in that Texas Trailer Park.
After dinner we decided, Marla and I, that Kelly needed to go to the park shower and take a shower just in case the hotel room wasn't set up for that. Of course the non conformists that we are we arrive a few minutes before they closed to clean. Not willing to take no for an answer we sent someone back for a little bribe money. (tip) It worked Kelly got a nice hot shower in a quiet setting.
Her first obstacle of the night was getting out of the motorhome, and with a group pow wow and alot of team work, she was successful, then the shower, Next obstacle was getting in Bob's truck, another successful mission accomplished.
Each task was pulled of with much more ease than anticipated. Just goes to show you that overthinking sometimes is a waste of time.
Kelly arrived and got settled into the hotel by midnight ready for an early morning start on tests.
THE QUEEN HAS BEEN DELIVERED IN GOOD SPIRITS AND FULL OF HOPE AND FAITH.
Bob,my Kelly and I left this morning and are on the road home.
SEND YOUR POSITIVE ENERGY, HOPE AND FAITH. KELLY IS A STRONG GIRL WHO HAS A TOUGH ROAD AHEAD. SHE IS A FIGHTER AND WANTS MORE THAN ANYTHING TO BE ABLE TO BE MOBILE AGAIN. THIS SURGERY COULD VERY WELL GIVE HER THAT. SO KEEP THE FAITH...AND SEND YOUR PRAYERS TO THE MAN UPSTAIRS.
LOVE YOU KELLY GIRL....CHER
P.S. CHAR took care of us, she did all our laundry in the humidity and did all the dishes on the trip. Thanks CHAR
Thank you all for the news and updates. Yes, I think many of us were concerned and worried that things had really taken a bad turn. Your note took us to a much more postive and hopeful place for our girl Kelly. Please keep with the updates and you know we are all sending love and prayers and faith in her and those around her to get over this latest hurdle.
You are all such a very special family and your love and support for one another and sense of humor is a real inspiration for all of us.
Love,
Lenora
Ok Marla I hit the send button twice please delete one for me as you know me, Miss Computer Ill-literate. Hope your Dr. Appointments went well today Kelly. I can't believe you had so many tests by noon. Marla that should be good for a few pounds..running around pushing a wheel chair. Hugs to you all.
Love you, Cher
P.S. Camping by the Guadalupe River in Gonzales tonight.
We miss the QUEEN and her beauty court. It is sooooooo quiet.
My Dearest Jim ~
Your request regarding giving your fellow testosterone oozing caveman friend a break has been denied. Yes, I do indeed know men hence the rejection of your request for a break. By the way, does this blog make me look fat?
As for your request on ideas for tasteless and inappropriate items for a gift basket, I am flattered that you would think of me to answer this question. I am working on an answer and will email it to you shortly. When you say, "and make it nasty, okay" I can only guess at what you mean since I, like my baby sister, am made of sugar and spice and everything nice.
Now a quick update on Queen F&M's progress. Today we had a fairly full day of doctor visits and medical testing. Kelly did just fine through it all. Of course, it seemed to keep her mind in a positive place when we used the "Nicole & Kelly" move. You know the one, where everytime the doctor or nurse walked out of the room we pointed out everything that was wrong with them and then cackled hysterically until their return. Yes, it's good to be part of the Queen's court.
We are all glad to hear you are no longer homeless ..... I guess. I personally was quite excited to be able to say I knew a homeless person. I felt in today's Politically Correct arena it would make me look more tolerant and diverse. Now that I think about it, it is quite selfish of you to take that away from all of us that are trying so hard to give the appearance of caring these days.
Dinner has arrived. I must go pre-chew the Queen's food.
Marla
Seriously??? Seriously Jim??? On so many levels...seriously! Give him a break? No breaks. He could've stuck with, "The steroids really haven't been kind to her." We would've all known what that meant. And how fun it would've been to sit and ponder, "Wow, how big do you think she is?" "What do you think he meant by that?" "Like is she swollen or just huge?!" The great news is that out of that quote, came a fabulous new name that Marla came up with Queen F&M. It's hyterical. Sort of gives the nasty vibe. Like it. Secondly - homeless. Really? Or are you being dramatic?
Thanks for the update Marla. And now for my parting words. I always have parting words. I find that at the end of a day of being all things to all people (you've never met my husband or my 3 daughters -- but anyone that has can back me up here. ALL things.) that a Snickers Dark really hits the spot. Oh yea, and Valium too.
By the way, so mad I missed the let's bash the last person who was in our presence event. I hate to miss those. Glad you ladies were able to have some laughs today!
Cheers! Nicole
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